marriage woes Archives | MoneyDigest.sg

Two of the most sought-after life goals are love and money. Research supports that married couples build more wealth over their lifetime compared to those who remain single. When two people decide to spend their lives together, it is important to get to know each other’s perspective as a robust financial team.

You can be 38 and still be unprepared to settle down. Or you can be in a six-year relationship with someone you are madly in love with, but you are not ready to get married.

Regardless of the age you plan to marry, discussing your financial goals as a couple is an essential part of the conversation on your shared life goals.

On that note, here are some telltale signs that you are not financially ready to settle down.

#1: YOU’RE IN A ROUGH PATCH

A wedding would not pay for itself, so you and your partner need to save up for it. You also need to financially prepare for your life after the wedding. Household and childcare expenses will increase over time. Expenses include tuition fees, medical expenses, home loans, retirement fund, and so on.

If you are not financially ready to get married, it’s best to put all the wedding plans on hold for the time being.

#2: YOU HAVEN’T TACKLED YOUR LIVING SITUATION

For most couples, investing in a home is one of the biggest purchases they have to make. It requires careful planning and countless discussions. You need to discuss your living situation as a couple, before getting married.

Are you buying a new or resale HDB flat? Are you financing your HDB flat with an HDB loan or bank loan? How much are you going to shell out from your savings in your CPF Ordinary Account?

Keep in mind that the more money you get from your CPF savings to finance your property, the less you may have for retirement in the future. Furthermore, you must be insured under the Home Protection Scheme (HPS) if you are using your CPF savings to pay for your monthly housing loan installments.

#3: YOUR WEDDING BUDGET CONSTANTLY CHANGES

Many couples deal with unforeseen wedding expenses during wedding plans and on the day itself. If you notice that your wedding budget changes constantly, it could be a sign that you haven’t fully thought about what you can pay for.

Sit down with your partner to discuss your wedding budget and provide an ample buffer for unexpected fees. You do not need to actualize all the wedding ideas you have pinned in your Pinterest account. Instead, you need to be realistic when it comes to knowing what you want and what you can afford.

#4: YOU HAVEN’T PLANNED FOR YOUR POST-WEDDING EXPENSES

What happens when you return home from your honeymoon? Will you face rent payments, home loans, or student loans head-on? Think about how you will be able to manage the post-wedding expenses.

Not thinking about these post-wedding expenses or not saving up for your future can bring you stress during your first year/s as a married couple.

#5: YOU HAVE TRUST ISSUES

When it comes to finances, do you have problems in trusting your partner? Take it as a sign that you are not ready for marriage.

There may be a deep-rooted cause for your trust issues, but getting married will not resolve the problem. Help yourself overcome these issues first so you can truly have an open and trusting relationship with each other. You can seek professional help when necessary.

#6: YOUR CREDIT HISTORY IS TAINTED

While you may end up sharing just about everything after getting married, your credit history and credit scores remain separate in the eyes of the financial institutions. However, this can affect your relationship significantly.

It is important to be transparent about your credit score and credit history before settling down. While you may sympathize with your partner’s unpleasant financial situation and offer to help, realize that you may be in for more challenges if outstanding debts begin to suffocate your finances.

Image Credits: unsplash.com

If you see beaming red flags that you are not ready for marriage, then do not get married. Getting married is more than just signing a piece of paper. It’s a life-changing event that you must prepare for physically, mentally, and financially.

Before settling down, you need to plan all aspects of your life including your finances. Drastic changes in your finances will happen from the day you get married. You will need to make a lot of financial decisions together, so learn how to compromise and work as a team.

Sources: 1 ,2,3,4,& 5

#1: Varying values and personalities

While there’s some truth in the belief on how “opposites attract”, couples with varying values and personalities may not be able to stay together for long.

Dr Stephanie Azri, a family therapist with two decades in clinical settings, asks us to picture these scenarios:

A partner who hates physical activities but married to one who loves hiking every weekend.
An introverted person with an extroverted spouse who needs to invite friends over every night.

These are fundamental differences we’re talking about, and if negotiations cannot get a couple anywhere, it could be a telltale sign to let go.

#2: Prey to domestic violence

Do you know that domestic violence may include physical violence, sexual violence, psychological violence, and emotional abuse?

No one is deserving of domestic violence because it hurts, and the experience tends to stick through one’s adult years. If you’ve been prey to aggressive partners for some time now, don’t keep mum about it.

Call the 24-hour National Anti-Violence Helpline at 1800 777 0000 if you need to speak with trained social workers regarding abuse and violence. Even if you’re not a direct victim but know of someone who may be undergoing domestic violence, reach out.

#3: Communication and compromise breakdowns

Image Credits: bestlifeonline.com

Communication is vital in any relationship. An obvious result of a communication breakdown is that you can’t seem to get on the same page anymore.

“I found that when one or both partners stop using manners, talk with a tone that speaks volume, or a body language that serves to intimidate, it can be a sign that the marriage got to a point where it is time to get some serious relationship coaching, or move on,” says Dr Azri.

Let’s not forget to mention that communication and compromise go hand in hand. When communication is through, at least one party attempts to give in for the greater good. But if there’s a crack in both areas, then maybe your marriage has reached its final stages.

#4: Missing common goals

Are you and your spouse heading in the same direction? Different individuals have different marriage goals, and it’s not possible to be 100% in sync all the time.

However, there should be at least a few common goals that both of you share. Think of it as a compass guiding you two on the same path. It could be a dream trip somewhere, buying a new condominium, or starting a new family journey with little ones.

If you find yourself missing common goals, this could indicate that it’s time to get back on track and walk together or take steps to move on mutually.

#5: Running the show alone

Image Credits: thejournal.ie

Some people don’t mind running the show alone, but flying solo isn’t all that great a balance in a marriage.

It’s impossible to reach a 50-50 contribution for the family since everyone has their fair share of routine and responsibilities. What we’re suggesting is that you shouldn’t be doing everything alone and feeling bitter and lonely about it.

“It is not normal to find yourself in a relationship where you don’t feel like you can share, discuss and/or negotiate roles, jobs, and responsibilities with your partner. If you are in this situation, I’d advise seriously talking about it,” noted Dr Azri.

#6: Zero or unfulfilling sexual intercourse

Dr Azri is also an accredited sexologist, and she feedbacks that there are many married couples with zero or unfulfilling sexual intercourse routines.

“Sex is an important part of a relationship and if a couple is disconnected, not attracted to their partner, unable to sexually relax, or simply not interested in having sex together, it may be safe to say that this relationship is more of a friendship (at best) rather than an intimate one,” she explains.

While couples may seek sexual therapy to find out the underlying issues, the absence of sex in any relationship is a big red flag that your marriage has reached its endpoint.

#7: Forgiveness is out of the question

Image Credits: thelist.com

As we come to a close, know that in every relationship, there’s bound to be some lies told. But when these lies get bigger, they can lead to mistrust, betrayal, and even relationship trauma.

If you can’t seem to move on, this indicates that forgiveness is out of the question. When there’s no forgiveness, grudges will slowly build-up, and this may lead to hatred over the long term. This is especially so if your partner continues to cheat on you or does hurtful things without considering your feelings.

“A healthy separation is better than a bad marriage. Accept that divorce isn’t a failure, but rather, the maturity to acknowledge that our needs have evolved and we are strong enough to step outside the present to look ahead to the future,” highlights Dr Azri.

6 Telltale Signs that You Aren’t Financially Ready to Get Married